Feeling nostalgic…

 

“There comes a time in your life when you have to choose to turn the page, write another book or simply close it.”
― Shannon L Alde

I am sitting at a cafe here in Durham called Cocoa Cinnamon. They have fabulous pour over coffee but alas, I can’t have any so I am enjoying a nice decaf tea. Since it is the weekday there appears to be lots of students here. Looking at them I get all nostalgic for my college years. I loved studying and learning and discussing current events with complete strangers. I miss university and the culture of learning. My dream job was to be a professor but life caught up with me and I never pursued my doctorate. I guess I could go back now but the idea of more student debt deters me.

It isn’t that I am unhappy because I have a great wife, home and job. I am very grateful and fortunate to have these things in my life. It is so strange how what you imagine your life to be at 20 is so completely different at 43 (very soon to be 44). I wonder what hopes and dreams the youth around me have? Will someone here be the first woman president? Will someone cure cancer? Will one spend his/her life raising children to do these things? So much hope.

Here I am with a rearranged organs gingerly sipping my decaf tea hoping to get back to that youthful energy I had. I wasn’t an overweight kid. I gained most of my weight when I graduated from undergraduate and began work. STRESS in moderation is a motivator. Stress in bucket loads…not so much. I don’t think I would have gotten to this point without learning to better handle my stress in more effective ways than eating, drinking and not sleeping. It has taken years and I still think it will take more. I didn’t do it alone. Luckily I found a wonderful therapist to help me out. Someone who has not pushed me but allowed me to find my own avenues. To work it out on my own. She had confidence in me when I had none.

I wish I could go back to my 20’s but have the knowledge, confident and wisdom that I have today. I know it is impossible because without the mistakes I have made I would not be where I am today.

 

Changes…and I mean major!

“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you’ve come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.”  – Madonna

I haven’t written in a while. I have been doing pretty well but since my last entry I have been on quite a journey.

In the Spring/Summer of 2015 I lost a decent amount of weight. I was working out, tracking my food and doing all the things I was supposed to do. I stalled out on losing weight and I gave up. I gained all my weight back and then some. I started having severe acid reflux (GERD) and knee pain. The GERD was so bad that I was having difficulties controlling it with medication and I couldn’t sleep at night without sitting up. A friend of mine had weightloss surgery a couple of years ago and had been very successful at it. I talked with her and thought I would see if this was something I wanted.

I had my first appointment in August. This comprised of getting some info on whether or not I would be a good candidate and what I would need to do to get it covered by my insurance. We also talked about alternative help if this did not work.

I started the long process of health screenings. I had a BMI of 39 which is the borderline of when the insurance will most likely OK it so I had to have some health screenings to see what else is going on. I had already been diagnosed with sleep apnea in the past so I had that going for me. I had blood taken which determined I was deficient in several vitamins and iron. In addtion, I was on the cusp of getting diabetes. I had an upper GI which found I had severe GERD and I had an EKG. I found out through my EKG that I had a heart murmur. After having an ecocardiogram I found that I do not have a hole in my heart which was a relief. I do have minor murmur which may signal the beginning of heart problems  but would not interfere with my surgery. As a result of my upper GI, I had an endoscopy. Through my endoscopy I found out a I have a hiatal hernia and had to have 3 polyps removed. None of the polyps ended up being cancerous which was another relief. After meeting with a nutritionist and doing a practice diet for two weeks in December I was approved for my surgery. I had to do a “liver shrinking” diet to help shrink my liver to make access easier. This consisted of a low calorie, low fat diet.

Throughout the whole process I was continuing to decide what I wanted to do. Did I want the surgery or try medical weight loss? The nice thing about working with a team and taking the time was that I was able to read and research. Make an informed decision. I decided to take the risk on the surgery because:My surgeon (Duke Bariatric Center) and I decided on doing the gastric bypass due to my current health issues. He felt that this would be the best due to health issues.

1. I needed to reduce the GERD. It was horrible and interfering with my life.
2. I don’t want diabetes. It runs in my family and my grandmother suffered greatly because of it. (story for another time)
3.  I have been yo-yo dieting since my late teens and I was tired of it.

On 1/26/17 I had my surgery. For the most part it went smoothly. They did the bypass and fixed my rather larger hernia. They also found something on my liver which I still don’t know the outcome yet but the surgeon didn’t seem concerned. After the surgery was horrible. I had incredible nausea and the pain from the gas they fill you with is unreal. The staff at the hospital were fantastic (Durham Regional Hospital) and tried to make me comfortable. I had to stay overnight. Since I had to be moving and holding down liquids to get out that was my focus. I spent most of the night walking around and standing/rocking to try to get that gas OUT OF MY BODY!!! Luckily I was able to tolerate liquids right after and was able to leave the afternoon of the next day.

I was off pain meds two days after I went home and was able to start my liquid diet with little problems. I am 12 days post-op and still feel pretty tired which is probably my body trying to heal itself. I am grateful that I have some time off work to rest. I have lost 20 pounds since I started my liver shrinking diet which was 10 days before my operation. I have 80 more to go.

The liquid diet can suck sometimes. I have food cravings but not excessive hunger. I miss crunching so much. But, I keep reminding myself that this is my chance to use this tool to make a better, healthier life for myself. To open doors to activities I always wanted to do but didn’t have the ability due to my weight.

The perfect coffee date

The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself –  Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

The writing prompt for today was about considering your perfect coffee date. It opens a world of possibilities – would it be with someone I admire, would it be with a loved one, would it be with a stranger…hmmm. I thought on it for a bit and thought of my perfect date. I would have a date with myself.

It sounds selfish to say that you would have a date with yourself but because of my career and my role in my loved ones lives I have spent many hours of my life in the role of caretaker or helper. While I thoroughly enjoy my career and the people in my life, at times it is a bit overwhelming and leave you feeling a bit empty. There is not always time to stop and think about what your own needs are.

My perfect coffee date would take place on a brisk fall morning. The weather is perfect for jeans and a sweater. The leaves are beginning to change and I can sit outside at my favorite café. I prefer the quiet corner where I can sit drinking my regular old fashion coffee and nibble on a toasted bagel with cream cheese. I would sit with my ear buds in listening to some soothing music and just people watch. No engaging. No talking. Just sitting. No planning. No worrying. No delving into anything deep within my head. Just being. Just getting reacquainted with myself without any prejudice or influence.

 

 

 

 

Where I write…

“Solitude sometimes is best society.”
― John Milton

It is a 12 by 12 size space with walls of aqua blue and carpet of beige. There is a soft light coming from a small lamp next to me.

There is a glass door that leads out onto a second floor porch.

The door is open and I can hear the sounds of the nights activities…crickets, frogs, beetles. I look out the door to see my dog Riley staring out into the darkness of the evening as if he were protecting the world. Alyce sits on the bed next to me. I reach over to give her belly rubs from time to time.

I am propped up on 3 or 4 pillows and let myself sink in.

I lightly cover myself with a brightly colored paisley print spread. I look down to see all my favorite colors – turquoise, pink, purple, green, orange, white, pale blue – swirled about.

I take a breath as I lift my computer onto my lap and settle in.

This is my time. My quiet place to think and reflect on the days activities.

Here is where I write either in this blog or in my journal.

Sometimes I don’t write at all but choose to read the beautiful and moving words of others as they have been spilled out onto the screen. Within each story there is something to be learned. Something to gain even if it is another persons perspective.

In my room is where I find my peace and solitude. In my room is where I can fully be myself and let the days worries rest.

 

Right, Rite, Write

W- Work of Art
A- Achiever
R- Resilient
R- Radical
I- Independent
O- Organized
R- Resourceful 
― Shannon L. Alder

Seems like people have been fighting for their rights for decades. Just when you think you win a war the ugliness rears its head and again we are fighting. I don’t think that humans can just “be”. Let others live their lives in the way that is best for them. When I think about the money the government spends on discrimination, racisms, sexism, etc. we could have provided medications to people that need it.

There are quotes from hundreds of years ago that really speak to what is going on even today. We don’t learn from our mistakes. Violence meets violence. War does not end in peace. Freedom is not free. Domination of one party over another has never been successful. We must all continue to be WARRIORS.

Fight for the rights of not only ourselves but others

Make social equality be a rite of passage for our youth

Continue to write about injustice and about your personal actions as a way to connect with others.

Triggered Memories

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.

Lucius Annaeus Seneca

When I was a kid my neighbor, Marybeth, and I were very close friends. I would say that she was my very first best friend. Even though she was two years older than me we hung out a lot. The last time I saw her was at my high school graduation party. That was 35 years ago. Her parents moved out of the house next door and I just assumed that I would never see or hear from her again.

One positive thing about social media is that it allows you reconnect with people you would have never connected with again if it weren’t for the ability to see someone on Facebook. I was thinking about Marybeth one day and I decided to look her up. I saw her brief profile on FB but at that time I didn’t reach out. I am not sure why, I just didn’t. About 6 months later I was thinking about her and I looked her up again. She was still on FB. I sent her a brief message just saying hello. Months went by and I didn’t hear from her. I just thought that perhaps she wasn’t interested in reconnecting. About 6 months later I heard from her. She explained that she didn’t get on FB very often so she didn’t see my message.

It has been nice thinking of all the fun we had. I would love to see her but she lives in New Mexico now. Sometimes I get so caught up in the negative childhood feelings and struggles with depression/anxiety that I forget the good stuff. We had a good friendship. I really did look up to her and thought of her as more of an older sister. There were times when we would have a falling out but in the end we always connected back with our friendship.

Today’s writing challenge was to choose and image that was inspiring. I chose this image:

I chose this image because it really represents the fun times I had with Marybeth. We would spend hours in the summer swimming. We would go from her in the ground pool with a slide and diving board to our above ground pool with a deck. She would come with us when we went on trips in Northern Michigan and we would swim in the lakes. We loved to swim. She was my confidant and friend. I would say that she was the one person that truly accepted the real me and understood.

Abundance

“Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.”
~ Wayne Dyer

Todays prompt is to choose a word from the following: hope, home, regret, choice, abundance and secret. I was supposed to choose the word the I can relate to, however, I am choosing the word that I need to ponder the most. I feel like home, hope, regret, choice and secret are words that I think about pretty regularly. So I chose ABUNDANCE.

According to the dictionary ABUNDANCE means:

1. an extremely plentiful or oversufficient quantity or supply:

2. overflowing fullness

3. affluence; wealth:

4. Physics, Chemistry. the number of atoms of one isotope of an element divided by the total number of atoms in a mixture of the isotopes.

If I take each of these meanings and relate it to the Wayne Dyer quote above I get the following thoughts.

• Abundance is often attributed to monetary wealth. Wealth in many ways lacks true abundance as relayed in the quote. Wealth can corrupt. Without an abundance of self awareness, connection to the world and connection to others there is a real lack of abundance as it relates to the quote. We can’t just purchase these items. We must cultivate, educate and share with others who we are with as little judgment as possible. This leads to…
• Overflowing fullness. Full heart, mind and soul. This is what I strive for. I feel that it is unattainable but not in a negative way. It is a way to continue to strive to be a better person. To stop judgment of self and other. To work to make this world a better place. To strive towards equality for those who are in a disadvantage.
• Physics and Chemistry. Hmm…I am not afraid to say that these are areas I have very little education in. Just reading the description above leaves me without a clue as to what is being talked about. When I think of it in this context it makes me think that there are always things to learn. We will never truly KNOW everything. There will continue to be situations in my life where I will have absolutely no idea what the solution/answer is but will continue to educate myself in order to get those answers. And if I can’t get an answer…be OK with that and know that there are things we will never understand but can try to accept.

I have to say that this has been one of my favorite writing exercises. I am realizing I need to push myself out of my box and not always take the easy way out.

Top 10 Things I Have Learned

In youth we learn; in age we understand. Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

1. Trust is not a given, it needs to be earned
2. Do not rely on the unreliable.
3. Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean that you are a selfish individual
4. Fear only holds you back from truly living an authentic life
5. Feelings are fluid.
6. Religion does not mean spirituality
7. Resentment only makes you miserable
8. The power of the people really does work
9. Nature is my house of worship and Earth is my mother
10. Taking time to be still can be the greatest gift that you can give yourself.

I write because…

“Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.” ~William Wordsworth

I haven’t blogged in quite some time and I miss it.

The act of writing can stir up some pretty strong feelings for me. For some they are just words but for me they are emotions. Whether writing in a journal, text, social media, etc. it is a way to convey what we are feeling. Without words the world is an empty place because words have the ability to make us cry, sad, angry, laugh and reflect.

I write because it is a way for me to record my feelings in the moment. It provides me an opportunity to just letting feelings flow out of me and onto a visual plain. When the words become visual it allows me to look, reflect, analyze and share. Sometimes when feelings are so strong it is a way to convey my emotions to others in a way that is more thought out. I have a history of expressing my feelings when I am being swallowed by the wave which leads to words that are hurtful.

I write because I have something to say but realize the power of words. In a world where people revere those that “speak their mind” words can be hurtful. Words are not to be abused or used to exert power. Writing is a way of putting thought into your words – not just blurting out the first thing that comes to mind.

 

Slacking

Geez…I haven’t blogged in quite some time. I get busy and I just stop. I have a history of starting things because they sound awesome at the time but then I just let it fall off when the feeling has passed. I have done this with a lot of hobbies – stained glass, fused glass, knitting, creating jewelry, singing, writing, exercising, playing the guitar, playing the clarinet and the list goes on.

Life has been OK. Work has been a bit challenging but I am doing a good job with balancing it out with fun. I am about to apply for a promotion at work which is a little stressful and I haven’t been doing the best with my diet and exercise. But I am trying to just be and not let it overwhelm me.

It is winter and I always get a little seasonal affect at this time of the year. Not as much as when I was in Michigan but I still notice a change. It is snowing here in North Carolina. It is beautiful but because it doesn’t snow often they aren’t really good at maintaining the roads so I am stuck at home. I know…I should just mellow out, be grateful and enjoy it but I like to be out and about. So for now I am laying in bed, watching the light snowfall, blogging and listening to jazz and blues on Pandora.